Wednesday, October 27, 2010


So... I have to do it... I have to talk about how my husband's parenting and zero tolerance... is frustrating and upsetting the family. My husband.. tries at many things.. but parenting is a struggle.. He had a son before we were married.. and he had difficulties there... and he bond with him.. He is a name caller, my husband... and that is a quality.. that upsets me. HE is always telling my son... think about it.. do you have a brain in there???? or Do you have to have a fit about everything???? I say things I wish I didn't at times.. but my husband is a constant.. and he tells my son... I don't like being with you if you can't listen and do as I say... Tough love????

Jaggedness- means something irregular like a bump or a crack in a smooth place or object.. I felt like tonight's pumpkin carving... became a metaphorical way. My son and I had had a good day... I had taken him out early from school and took him to a Leo Lionni puppet show.. and we had done homework with little problems... and rode bike's with few frustrations.. but the Jack-o-lantern... carving is always hard,... I had a plan.. my son would do all the dots... with those tools.. and I would do the sawing with the blades.. my husband...kept yelling and complaining... to my son..
It made my son upset....and my son said.."why did you invite daddy to carve with us." so sad to hear a 5 year old say that.. I said," I don't have to invite daddy he lives here... he wanted to help." My son said," He didn't help."...I know it's important to include him... and sometimes without me.. and I try...but then my husband...tells me I can't spend time with him I have no patience for his many meltdowns....and antics....I have my husband come to all the doctors when he can... but he still has trouble.. with the diagnosis...
I have tried to give him tips for success
* I try to have predictable schedules
* I try to structure everything
*I try to prepare my mind, my workspace... and any problems that could happen ahead of time.
*I try to not go on long explanations to my husband or son... but a short speech
*I have to pay attention to sensory input.. noise, smell, lighting....for my son.. as he acts differently... depending on these...
*I have tried to teach my son and husband coping strategies... for anxiety provoking events.. but I am still learning...
*I try to be organized... but remember I have ADHD... so it's tough
*I try to have my son and husband do things together like gardening... harvesting... etc... and I try for my husband to see my son's strengths....
Recently a health care worker asked me what my son's strengths are... and I couldn't think of any.....? I was so embarrassed and upset with myself.. I know all his deficits... but I love him.. just the same. She said,"what about his willingness to get on the bus without tears... from the first day on.. and to come here.. and visit with me alone...I agreed... and then told her he has a terrific memory.. and he loves adventure.. and he separates well... so finally I thought of some.

SO if you are carving a pumpkin into a Jack-o-lantern with your ADHD child.. I hope you have no jaggedness.. and just a smooth... pumpkin with a great face....


  1. I'm sorry your son's relationship with his father is so rocky. Sometimes it helps for the parents to go to therapy together without the child so that the two of you can get on the same page and work through frustrations where the child can't hear.

    I also suggest keeping an ongoing list of your son's strengths. You can start by making a note when you see him succeeding in something and then remind him (and yourself) throughout the day of that thing he did so well. Eventually it will become second nature.

  2. thanks kelly those are good tips.. although my husband won't agree to the counseling part... I can do the notebook part...